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March 28, 2012

Magic Owns the Dodgers: What Needs to Happen Next

Magic Johnson

Magic Johnson just bought the Los Angeles Dodgers for $2.15 billion (!!!) because that’s the sort of thing a guy named “Magic” can do. Apparently.

Truth be told, I don’t care that much. I mean, the Dodgers are an NL team. That’s where they make pitchers bat, which is both cute and barbaric.

However, I think I speak for everyone when I say that these things need to happen immediately.

1. The Dodgers need to adopt purple and gold as their official team colours.

2. Larry Bird needs to become a minority owner of the Boston Red Sox. (Considering the price tag on the Dodgers, I figure this should cost around eleventy bajillion dollars.)

3. We will skip the entirety of the baseball season and most of the playoffs, and just put these teams against each other in the World Series. They will be required — nay, destined — to take it to seven games.

4. Chuck Klosterman will dedicate no fewer than 3,000 words to each game. The collected treatise will use the series as a metaphor for pretty much everything.

5. As soon as the whole thing is done, Michael Jordan will buy the White Sox and we’ll have a difficult time remembering what all the fuss was about.